Prelude to Atheism

Don't get me wrong, I'm not coming to be an atheist. My friend is.

He was banking on a scholarship he applied for in the papers that should've sent him off this year to Tokyo, but it would not come. We talked on the phone, reminiscent of all the past phone conversations we've been having the past few months. I'm no stranger to depression and the feeling of revolving around taking the first step and then stepping back down afterwards.

He said something like this, "Apparently, God doesn't grant what you wish for. He gives you something else, like a consolation. It all depends on how and if you accept the consolation prize that predicts if you get depressed or not."

I told him, "Maybe God just can't get through to you with all the politics."
And I gave out this hearty laugh.

It's kinda true though that whatever your heart desires or wishes for, you never really get. It's like infatuation. You get all worked up for this huge crush you have on someone and you pray to the gods of valentine's and romance to grant you even just one remote moment of pure, uninhibited conversation with them but it never happens for some reason, unless of course, they were your classmates or office friends. The emotions can become so intense, you start believing that what you feel is LOVE, when if fact, it's just the thrill of finding someone you actually like among all the losers you come across everyday or more importantly, the thrill of finding someone who might actually like you back.

In my opinion, we mustn't rely too much on prayer, especially if we pray because we want something for ourselves. It'll never happen. We will always be denied. It's sad, but it's the truth. Depending on prayer is like waiting for a promise God didn't make with you. It's merely a request and under His discretion to grant. This is the reason why for those truly acquainted with the powers of prayer, they always put a certain "clause" at the end to try to appease God by deceptively sounding humble and submitted. It goes something like this: "Please grant my wants and desires Lord, but only if it pleases Your will." In short, "Thine will be done."

So, fur ye bitter cynics out yonder, the question: WHY PRAY?

Beats me. I'm not all that faithful in the first place. Don't get me wrong. I pray every day during travel, thanking Him for all the good stuff and asking for enlightenment, nothing too tangible or fancy; just making prayer a conduit for communication. If he grants something, I thank Him. If he doesn't, tough luck, but I don't forget to thank Him anyway (or so I hope).

And to all those brainwashed by THE ALCHEMIST -- news flash!!! -- The universe DOES NOT and WILL NOT conspire to help you achieve your wants. The universe merely balances you out to maintain universal equilibrium (like karma). Some will get what they want, some will get what they deserve. It's really just you and your perceptions that either make you feel better about yourself and your situation, or make you feel like the cheap sh*t that you really are.

Bwahahahahahahahahahahaha

Memory-Resident

As you all know, my computer's been invaded by electronic binary memory-resident elements and has suffered an infarction. As I checked with my friend's virus scanner, I had hidden system files in my temporary folders that accumulated and clogged my computer (like artheriosclerosis of circuitry), rendering all of my .exe files unusable. Since his original McAfee doesn't have the latest virus definitions, we have yet to determine the major disease spread in all of my files. Luckily, I've made back-ups already and we reformatted the harddisk to clean it up. However, I can't reinstall anything yet until I get an up-to-date version and scan my back-ups to make sure they're not infected. It's pretty annoying since I've come up with loads of ideas for a story I'd like to write (stories, actually). SO now, I'm here in an internet shop again with other thesis-enslaved students typing away like a madman to fill the unforgiving minutes that remind me I haven't eaten dinner yet.

I'll be purchasing the software maybe tomorrow or the day after and hopefully I can get the computer running by the end of the week. What really pisses me off is the fact that I'll have to re-install all the device drivers and software again, like starting from square one. Whatever. The computer is my life and if I have to resuscitate it (like mine) I will.

F*cker

My computer's busted (again). I won't be posting anything online for god knows how long... I'm in some internet shop along SM Manila with a couple of friends. Haaayyyyy....

Toxique

I can't stay online right now. Peter Meter if you're reading this, hello!

Don't judge me, I'm not a book.

R U Really Reading THis?

I forgot to mention (caught up in the rapture of written composition) that my father's been interviewed by Tingting Cojuangco for her article this coming Sunday in The Philippine Star broadsheet. I dunno what it's about so I'm gonna get myself a copy of that newspaper too.

Beauty in Sadness

To each a question: Why are people threatened by sadness?

I happen to think that sadness is the catalyst for progress. It is the cause for realization. When people are happy, they get too caught up in the emotional high to think deeply. The euphoria gets the best of logic and reason and frankly, is quite dangerous. It is fleeting, thus, can be addictive and tends to progress faster and faster the more the cause is felt. Unlike being happy, when people are sad, they see black and white. They tend to repeat the events that led to this emotion and the thoughts are mostly deep. It is more difficult to express sadness or the reasons for being sad, hence most of it is sublimated into other forms of expression like in words (poetry or prose) and art (painting or dance) or both (songs and compositions). It is more difficult to express sadness openly because nobody wants to be sad. Although it is not addictive, it can tend to be a repetitive cycle and each episode may last days or weeks. A person can only be so distracted so as to not see the bigger picture.

As Sarah McLachlan put it, "There is beauty in sadness". I believe what she had said in that we must learn to appreciate emotions as they are, not only because they are effects of something. Being sad does not necessarily mean being miserable or angsty. It doesn't always mean being mellow. These are normal manifestations of sadness when we sometimes feel alone or unloved. But there are other forms of this emotion, not so much as feeling a void inside us, but more on being on the border of happiness and sadness. This is quite vague, I do admit. Let me try to explain further....

There are some times when we can't necessarily qualify what we feel. It's not a void, it's not such a strong emotion that ripples in our conscious minds, it's not something that drives us to a course of action. It's just a subtle feeling inside that we just can't pin-point to any particular feeling, other than, maybe, feeling like you're in a transition toward an emotional phase. Like maybe, the feeling of transition toward being sad, or the feeling of excitement preluded by a sudden smile on your face without any particular reason at the time that you smiled. Transience, I think, is the best word to describe this feeling.

On the other hand, there are times when we feel strong emotions toward two opposing poles of thought. This, I think, is more familiar to everyone as ambivalence. Being caught up in a decision where you can't quite understand if you are to feel happy or sad toward a situation. Or maybe the indecision itself causes some anxiety or distress. In which case, ambivalence is "more convenient" for us because we can point out the emotion, but can't quite choose which direction to take.

Therefore, if happiness and sadness are two opposing emotions, for the ambivalent person, his/her problems would only be to decide on a course of action and get the desired emotion in a "package deal" and, to pick the right time to decide to get the best results. However, for the transient person it is much more difficult. Since he/she doesn't exactly know what the emotions involved are, he/she wouldn't also know the best results IF he/she even had to choose in the first place. It's like being in the middle of everything but not knowing what's happening all around. The only thing you know is that you're taking little steps toward some direction, hoping that the direction is the one best for you. The only good thing about transience is that it's not supposed to last long. Humans have the capability to change emotions as often as they'd change positions while sleeping. The change doesn't occur all the time and is non-periodic. It can happen in a series or in glitches, and may be intense or pretty minor. Think of waking up as your course of action -- you never really know if you're gonna wake up on the right or wrong side of the bed, but, the mood you had before you slept counts in how you'd feel when you wake up.

Doesn't make sense does it? :X

Perhaps Perhaps Perhaps

I met up with my filmmaker friend in SM Centerpoint at around 8:30pm. He lent me some literary folios from Ateneo and UP while we were inside BookSale. The lady there scolded us that we should leave books with the guard before entering the shop. Sheesh, literary folios are free, woman!! Besides, there are no interesting poetry books sold in BookSale for crying out loud!

Anyway, I was supposed to ramble on about my highly interesting life, LA DOLCE VITA , and emotional highs and lows, peaks and valleys .... but I'm too exhausted as it is. To compensate for the lack of material today, I'm posting lyrics to a song remade by CAKE called "Perhaps Perhaps Perhaps". The version I'm singin' in my head though is Nat King Cole's "Quizas Quizas Quizas".

I dedicate this song to all those people mocked by the gods, to those who refuse to analyze coincidence like me, but secretly hopeful that the series of events mean more than just what they denote. :P




Perhaps Perhaps Perhaps
by Cake (Album: Fashion Nugget)


You won't admit you love me.
And so how am I ever to know?
You only tell me
Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

A million times I ask you,
And then I ask you over again.
You only answer
Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

If you can't make your mind up,
We'll never get started.
And I don't wanna wind up
Being parted, broken-hearted.

So if you really love me,
Say yes.
But if you don't, dear, confess.
And please don't tell me
Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.
Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps,


Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

StarbUCKS

I went to Greenbelt today with my good friend just to check out the sights of Valentine's Day. Nothing much, but infinitely better than last night! If only I lived near the place I'd definitely hangout more often. But as it is, I'm short of cash but in dire need of distraction. A cup of brewed coffee from Figaro (with matching heart-shaped cookie) and a little talking did the trick. The coffee wasn't good though. My dad makes a better blend. I haven't gotten to asking him what his secret ingredients are but I'm pretty sure we can make a killing if we put up a coffee shop. He cooks fantastic Chinese food too!

On the topic of coffees, I just wanted to say S tarbUCKS coffee SUCKS. Their house blends are soooo bland and diluted and cost so much! Their fraps are way too sweet and their bagels taste like cardboard. I once ordered an onion bagel and when I tried to take a bite from it, the thing crumbled. It was like munching on styrofoam. Frozen bagels from the mall taste much better, in fact. The only thing that keeps the shop's name famous is the cozy atmosphere and air-conditioning. The service is commendable too, I suppose. People go to Starbucks to get comfy seats and talk over coffee while listening to good blues music. The thing is, why pay for crappy coffee when you can get whole or nonfat milk for free?? Hahahahaha That's an old trick in the book.

Going to Greenbelt, I took the train (which is 3 bucks more expensive now) to Buendia and then rode the bus to Ayala. That trip alone cost me P24. I walked all the way from 6750 building to Greenbelt and met up with my friend. The coffee I got from Figaro was P45. Conversation was free, and so were the i-candies. We saw model Luke Jickain, who is a friend of my friend. I saw my call center trainers, and my cousin Aman (who's a painter) and his best buddy who both watched Haunted Mansion. We stayed near the automatic doors till around 11:30pm. My friend was awfully sleepy 'coz he woke up at 6am to work out. I actually didn't want to go home yet, but I figured it'll be easier to commute if we leave earlier. I rode an FX (P25) and got off in Dapitan. Walked all the way home. The stars were bright tonight. I could just imagine how Puerto Galera would be in a matter of 7 days.

So all in all, I spent 94 pesos tonight. Not bad, considering I splurged the night before. O god .... just get through March and I'll be able to start applying for a job already. I can't wait to check on my ATM :)

Five Poems

I did it. I called up DLSU and UST to inquire about their summer creative writing workshops. The guy from DLSU who answered the phone at around 3:30pm didn't know anything. I hope it doesn't necessarily reflect anything about the other students there. I called UST up hoping for a good reply (being a call center representative eons ago). They told me to call the local number for their creative department. This guy answered and filled me in on the details. Five English poems, a letter of authentification from a professor or employer attesting the originality of the works, and bio-data. Five poems. Seems like an easy task but actually isn't. Imagine having to narrow down all your works into just 5 most essential ones to represent yourself. If I choose the "wrong" ones, I may not get the free workshop this summer. One thing's for sure though, I wouldn't be putting any of my "innuendo" poems. I wouldn't want to be interrogated in front of other poets I don't know and have my work vivisected of it's artistic value and technical soundness. For most, the anonymity would prove liberating. But for me, I just care that much to keep some things sacred for myself.

The afternoon was boooooooring. I just chatted on the phone with a dear friend to pass the time before we eventually met up tonight to rid ourselves of domestic lunacy. When I got to National Bookstore early, I decided to browse around a few books. I came across this novel/compilation of writer/poet Sylvia Plath. I forget the title but the content seems good. There's this other book by Jostein Gaarder called "Vita Brevis" that seemed interesting too. It's a letter of St. Augustine to a woman named Amelia Floris, narrating the changes experienced by Christian management back in his time. It starts with this traveler finding an old box of scrolls in an antiquated cafe or something. I read "Sophie's World" so I bet this one is similar in that it tackles Christian Dogma for dummies. I saw Jessica Hagedorn's book but again, I forget the title. It's this story about retracing Filipino roots from the time of the Spaniards, with an intro/excerpt from Antonio de Pigafetta's journal. Looks promising. The books' hardbound and cost more than P1k. Nevermind....

My friend and I met just at the entrance. We were both wearing black, as if to signify mourning. The other time we met (with another close friend), we were wearing gray. I don't believe it's coincidence. Maybe we were out of clothes. Maybe black and/or gray makes us look thinner. Go figure.

Since it's payday and Valentine's eve, the mall was flooded with people, not necessarily couples. We tried to wade through them toward shops as he was supposed to buy a gift for his "honey". We didn't see anything nice enough, so we went to sit down for coffee. We waited there for my other friend (who didn't come because he was with other friends). It was near death. We were talking all that time, but it was like my sensory cortex was atrophying. There was literally no eye candy in that side of the mall. Nada. Zilch. Null.

We went walking around Malate and decided to go home. At the jitney stop, we both agreed we didn't want to go home yet so we went walking back (carefully avoiding canine dejecta) to Starbucks. I decided I wanted to eat so we went to TGIF and I ordered chicken fingers, ocassionally filling my lungs up with fiery dirt. We talked about a lot of things. Mostly things we already talked about days and days before. Good thing the music was good enough to sway to. We decided to go home after paying the bill. I'm officially penniless.

At the jitney stop, my friend decides to go back to Malate. I decide to go home....

and kill myself by writing this journal.

If it's any consolation, I found a little bit of inspiration to write a series of children's books. I want to make a series that empowers the little adults of this country to be able to decide for themselves, speak up for themselves, and for heaven's sake, stop listening to STUPID music on the radio. I swear, something has to be done before it's too late!!!

Coincidences

There's something strange in the way this year has been going so far. I don't know if it's the stars or the water, but lately, a lot has happened to my life (and the lives of other people I know too). I got really depressed a fortnight ago. After previously having decided to take the career with the better promise of travel and money, I suddenly had a change of heart and am now more inclined toward taking the dusty road again. I don't know if the snail pace of 3 years that I have to face and the succeeding years after that when I finally get to my promised land, Carpathia, or maybe the immediate environment that I was in where I felt suffocated with the lack of intellectual stimulation. Call me pedantic. Call me arrogant, but that's just the way I felt about my state-of-affairs (of which I'm still in). It's very awkward and disappointing, like knowing you're in a fishbowl with all the other fishes, and at the same time knowing that you belong somewhere else because the fishbowl is too crowded. It's not such a bad thing really. I could learn to swim along with the other fancy fish in the bowl, but I'd rather be in a school within the ocean or in a river. All the opportunities are there. You see, my goal in life is to migrate to another country. That's it. That's my goal. My friend commented a couple of nights ago (the height of all the mania) that for most people, an ultimate goal would mean achieving something or reaching a status that makes one feel proud of one's achievements. Well, that doesn't happen for me. I'm not a freak or anything. I dare say this ideal was typical of people in the Old Testament. They always dreamed of the promised land. Take as another instance the movie Lord of the Rings where Frodo and Gandalf were brought to the gray havens. That's my idea of a goal -- to reach a certain place. I just feel that once I'm put in that place, I'd know exactly what to do next. But while I'm here, there's absolutely no point.

O god....I'm straying off the topic. Right, big changes in 2 weeks....

Besides my depressive state and changing my mind about a previous course of action, I've also realized how lonely I was. (This is too cheezy for me to say but heck, it's the truth). Honestly, "I was alone thinking I was just fine and not looking for anyone to be mine" or as the song goes. But things happen and life is cruel, so when you put the two together, the victims of this tempest are usually those who have successfully dealt with life rationally because coincidence is generally not in their vocabulary. As my friend texted me, "coincidence is just a coincidence until you over-analyze it." I found a lot of sense in that statement. That is the rationalist point of view. My other friend texted me, "There are no accidents. What happens to you is part of a divine plan of some sort" or as how I remember it.

So, which should I believe in?

On one side, I'd love to think that whatever happens to me, good or bad, is part of a divine plan, that in the end, I'd become something other than myself right now and is not an accident or a result of any conscious effort on my part that I be derailed from that path. On the other, everything I do should be calculated because whatever I decide on right now leads me to a new series of paths and choices, good or bad, that I must face head-on or move on avoiding the issue, that whatever signs that go my way must be ignored because these don't mean anything until I overanalyze them, that there's little point to believing in prayer because ultimately, you're the one controlling your life not any other entity.

The question now: should I pick the more convenient theory? or should I be my usual pragmatic self? Furthermore, what should I risk?

(Again, I apologize for being too talkative for my own good.....)

Gist: Besides me, my sister's diagnosed with tiny little cysts near her thyroid (hence I call her cyster), my good friend's been in bad terms with her boyfriend, my close friend's been waiting for his scholarship but can't quite wait without being employed, my best friend's found a place to put up his business after weeks of searching, I've gone to Greenbelt for the first time in months, my mom and uncle are putting up a business beside the house, my friend wants to move out for good, my other friend found a new job after he resigned a few weeks ago, the whole clan (well, almost) reunited last weekend for a smorgasbord feast in the mango orchard, etc. etc. etc. etc.

Of course, these things don't seem coincidental at all. It just happened that the past fortnight has been wrought with events compared to other fortnights. And hark! The Ides of March is at hand! I wonder what lurks around the conspiracy of the universe for me.

I hate Coehlo. He puts bad ideas into good people's minds.

Unbirthday Party

I cannot say much for the sudden turn or events in my life. It's not extrinsically drastic as one might observe as there are no plans for any announcement. The changes have occurred almost overnight where a group of friends, including myself, decided to meet up to celebrate the 10th day after my birthday, an Alice in Wonderland sort of unbirthday celebration, if I must define it. Like all good parties, pizza (Yellow Cab) was a staple last night and since most of us are penniless, it was but natural for us to imagine crystale in paper cups. I promised my good fellows not to spoil the night by talking about my problems and to just enjoy the prepared cuisine on our table with a few puffs of smoke now and then to maintain a light feeling ... but the course of conversation inevitably takes the path of entropy most of the time, hence since I was the post-birthday celebrant, it was my turn for truth-or-dare: for them to tell me the brutal truth, and that I would dare take the path less traveled (yet again) and face all the hardships with the genuine hopes of a cornucopic reward if I delayed my gratification.

You have to agree with me when I say that "the road not taken" sucks. Not only is it strangely wrought with undergrowth and potentially-lethal creatures, it's unsure and full of possibility for failure. Sometime ago I had wished that my goals were that of most people -- to get a good job, one in the field of business, communication, medicine, or accountancy. Not that these jobs are easy or simple, it's just that, well, a lot of people have taken this path and so to become a follower of this trodden road would mean less uncertainty. Lesser uncertainty would mean a higher probability of success. And of course, success should mean happiness for most people. However, being born a creative person with a penchant for sacrilegious writing and quasi-Tarantino humor, I found taking the regular path too boring. To deal with the pain means to sever my limbs and become totally crippled. My trainee friend pointed out to me that my biggest flaw is that I over-analyze opportunities by thinking of the worst-case scenario for each of the options I have, and then deciding not to choose from any of those available choices, thus making me become quadriplegic in the process. The thing is, I thank her for having pointed this out to me at the first quarter of my life. I feel blessed at being given aufklarung (Gr. enlightenment).

My life has been a wearing-a-shoe-till-it-fits kinda song since yesterday. Now it's more like ..... "It's My Life" remade by No Doubt.

 Carpathía 

The question on everybody's minds: What is Escape To Carpathia? This is actually a movie that features two consenting adults, an American tourist and a Romanian princess in the city of Carpathia (or so I assume). The princess is in full bloom of her individuality forcibly repressed by an evil and controlling governess. With the aid of her handmaiden, they exchange clothes and the princess escapes the castle without anyone noticing. She walks thru the farmlands in search of herself and is drawn to the city where she meets up with a young American photographer. In the end, they fall in love. It's a painfully typical love story.

The corollary question: Why use it as the title then?

The answer is simple. Carpathia, for me, represents the city of opportunities, culture, new ideas, new people, new life. I feel that even at a ripe age, I still haven't found what I'm looking for. My bestfriend was correct in saying that the decisions I've been making in life are rather complicated. Like everything for me is transitive, a confounding syllogism. In order for me to get to A, I must go through B first, but B cannot go alone so C has to be included to get to A; If mice are men and men are ruts, then mice are ruts. It should all be pretty logical for most, but everything would require a very long explanation.

A person once said, "The simplest explanation is usually the most correct." Well, for me that doesn't quite happen. I am the exception to this rule where the complicated explanation is usually the truth. I'm not fond of lying. I may be the King of Denial but I don't affirm or rebuke allegations made in my name. I'm too honest for my own good.

Now what have all these got to do with Carpathia? Everything. The search for opportunities and the quintessential Coehlo definition of the "personal legend" remains elusive. I get caught up in the syllogisms of society which forms this bureaucratic web of causes, effects, and repetitive behaviors. Carpathia is my Jerusalem, my promised land. And I would need a plan of escape to get there before I reach 30.

Law of Inertía

What controls a person? Is it really the mind .... or is he merely a product of emotions? I feel that there's only so much one can do to fend off unwanted experiences, uncomfortable reactions, hidden agendas, hidden desires, so much so that a person becomes demented in trying to keep everything underneath the skin. As the saying goes, "still waters run deep". To whoever said this, he/she must have been tormented with uncomfortable feelings.

As the little tv commercial kid says, "The heart is a hollow muscular organ located between the lungs ... etc.," as the camera moves about her making her look like she's rotating about an axis on a small chair. It is true. The heart is a hollow muscular organ. But it's function to humans goes beyond keeping life. It connotes love, as if blood itself is the human experience that brings life to love, that brings oxygen to the heart and the rest of the body and keeps it alive.

The size of a fist, your heart is involuntary. It runs on its own, undisturbed with its own inertia, it's own set of rules. All the events that take place in a single beat are run by a self-perpetuated pacemaker. It's autonomic. Hence, even if one wills it to stop beating, it will not. It will keep beating till you're too old to keep up or too drugged and delirious to notice the difference.

Funny how the brain controls everything in our bodies, but once the heart stops, everything else follows. Everything dies with it.