Of face shapes and behavioral patterns

So the past week I had been struggling with my eyesight, specifically my right eye, which has become a bit blurred and had me winking and blinking excessively as I browsed through Facebook and all the other online stuff.  I haven't worn glasses since 2006 when I had astigmatism from looking at the computer screen all day at work.

What luck!  I still have those metal-frame glasses and they still fit uncomfortably on my face like the first day I wore them.  The rubber guard on one its right arm is nearly torn off so I had to tape the flesh back to cover the bone.  I'll get myself a new pair one of these days.

I did a bit of research last night about the shape of my face and it turns out it's diamond.  My face shines bright like a diamond, which explains why it's so difficult for me to find a pair that I like.  Apparently, I need semi-rimless frames.

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And so it used to be that when I had these deep emotional turmoils, I could always call a friend over the phone or meet them in person to try to talk these things out in hopes of finding epiphany or at least a sense of understanding of what is really happening with me (or with them).  But as we grow older, the list of close friends becomes smaller and smaller and I have lost a few people along the way for reasons like migration, artistic differences, or parenthood, which is normal.

I feel somewhat lost, not knowing who I can talk to when I feel the way I do.  When before I would be anti-social with my family, now it's quite the opposite -- I spend most of my time with family, acting out normal and whatnot.  But I've become anti-social with my friends as a weird consequence.  I would not repond to text messages, calls, Facebook messages, Viber, etc.  I've become selective somewhat, of who gets to know how I am and who I feel would not understand or would make me feel judged.

After a long search for what has been going on with me, through the help of a friend I've realized that I've come to temporarily avoid the people who I feel do not understand me or would not understand why I am acting the way I do.  Actually, it's not even that;  it's the avoidance of people who make me feel inadequate.  It's not their fault if they're successful and I am not bitter about their successes.  I just feel like somewhere along the busyness of corporate life and Facebooking without depth, the friendships have suffered.  I've lost that sense of depth when communicating with them.  It's all about work, travel, fashion, food ...

As your friend I want to learn more about you.  Your fears, your secrets, your anxieties.  I also want to know that you would be available for me the way I am for you, that you would hear me out and not judge because I would do the same for you.

Perhaps this is just a phase in the cycle of friendships.  Maybe at this point in time, it's not at its best and it's in its astigmatic haze.  Yes I do like to throw tantrums, but if you were a real friend you would deal with my shit and not ignore the behavior until it goes away.  The behavior is there for a reason.