It’s the nth time of the month

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The last time we saw each other was last Sunday and I was particularly observant of how much of the moodiness pervaded what should’ve been an enjoyable farewell. My good friend from high school was leaving for Canada the next day and that was the last night we were to have together in what could be another 2 or 3 years till he visits again. Right while I was dressing up, the rain began to pour in buckets, and soon enough, our street was already flooded. Only in our street, only because all the adjacent streets had upped their concrete pavements by at least a foot higher, ours became the receiving basin for the soily water. I had to hitch a ride toward the train station just so that I can get to dry land and get to the rendezvous on time. I was more than willing to go and brave the brown river because I knew my friends would go the distance for me had they been in my shoes.
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We ate dinner in a fancy Italian place inside the mall, and already, I had been told to never do that again, the translation, to never have people meet without their knowing. To my defense, it wasn’t as if I was introducing them to criminals on parole or Hannibal Lecter, I was having my friends meet my other friends. For crissakes, just the night before, I met up with my former officemate in this reggae bar with her other officemates and I was fine with that. I mean, can you lighten up please?! It’s a f*cking weekend, can’t we just unload and not have to be so freakin’ moody?
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Anyway, it was still raining outside while I smoked, raining while unknown performers sang hip-hop songs and promoted the newest HP products I could never afford to buy. There had been a comment on how my friend and I should try to control our need to smoke especially since it’s been very humid lately. Fine. I didn’t force you to join me outside to smoke. It was nice of you to accompany me, but I could’ve done it myself and got back inside and we still could’ve talked and had a blast. Geez …
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And when my friend left because he had to go pack up his stuff for the trip, both of them teased me about my friend high school friend. Hello??? It just so happens that I had been most open with him about stuff I can never talk about with other people, stuff I consider to be personal. It was a sad thing he had to leave 2 years ago when we were just starting to open up to each other. It’s a real close friendship I have with him and it’s sad that things happened the way they did, but to fucking put malice into it just pisses me off.
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So today, my cellular still cut off, I really wanted to cancel going out even when I felt like going out. I didn’t because I didn’t want to be that kind of person who would put something off just because it’s more convenient for me. My other friend had prior engagements, so she decided we just hang out around the area. I ate pizza courtesy of our supervisors, so that had become dinner for me. It pissed her off that I already ate dinner and she was starving, having followed the cabbage soup diet and it pissed her off that she was unable to contact me while my mobile was on silent mode. I couldn’t help it, I am honestly EMBARRASSED when my phone rings in public. I have a wonderful phone but it’s just hate it when I have to talk in an enclosed public area. It’s non-negotiable for me. I’ll call you back when I can (if and when my phone isn’t cut off).
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I can go on and on … the goatee, the asking if it’s only gonna be the both of us tomorrow night, why I choose to sit away from a person I saw (who I also saw the previous weekend) despite being beside the speakers, the not wanting to wear something daring for a change (like wearing a tank top or going “commando” to the bar), how my need to be in a relationship would not solve my problems (as if I know what my problems are), and I fear the list would continue to rant itself away tomorrow night.
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Inside the cab, we were staring at different directions, didn’t even talk to each other. I was thinking about where I’m headed to again, and how she means well, and how I value her honesty, and how I’d probably cancel tomorrow night because I would’ve hated having to adjust to these mood swings again … thinking, thinking, thinking. Again, it’s the weekend and I’d hate to be burdened by these negative thoughts. It was clear we were two very different people, I admit being naïve and stubborn, but that’s who I am. However desperate I am to want to feel grown up, I don’t want to fall into that fit of depression again simply because I’m enjoying what I have now. It can be better of course, but as I’ve learned the hard way, too much of idealism is not healthy. Having such high expectations leads to more disappointments. The impatient already lose by the mere act of waiting.
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Right before she got out of the cab, she told me she’d prefer not to meet with me tomorrow night. Too much bitchiness during this time of the month.
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And here I thought of blaming familiarity breeding its contempt.
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