Spent

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“I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love”
-- Paper Bag by Fiona Apple
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I spent the evening with 2 friends – one from elementary and the other someone introduced to me by a college friend. I didn’t expect my night to end like this. Tired.
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I wasn’t even supposed to go out. I need to tighten my hold on money till the next paycheck. Another test of my self-control.
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On regular days I keep looking at myself in the mirror, seeing how much of me has changed the last time I lost a pound or two. I haven’t changed. It’s still me but with different clothes, me but with a jaw line, me seeing parts of my sternum, me seeing more of the veins in my arms that stretch out forever in despair.
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Perhaps I should’ve started the diet with my soul. As I examine the looking glass, I find that I’m still lost, still considering these imperfections as warps on the mirror and not who I really am now.
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I thought I could never be anorexic. Let’s see where this all ends.
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I want to forget feeling. I want to forget how it is to hold hands, to kiss, to think of someone and to think that I’m being thought about. I want to forget affection altogether. I need to focus on work and nothing else.
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Apparently I’m not playing the game correctly. I was told outright. Apparently I forget doing something and I don’t know what it is I was supposed to do. It is true, I am pigheaded.
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I want to play more with these ideas, but I’m tired.
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