Dreams (1979 - 2004)

It is official. I am putting an end to my idealistic dreaming and I will start acting my age. I will treat myself like a responsible adult, one who is afraid of debt, not ghosts, who looks under the bed for his pair of slippers and not some boogeyman monster from the netherworld. I will start to dispose of all the stuff I've been keeping in my stale closet, and replace them with empty space. I will not cry for myself; I will learn to be more selfless.

I've always believed I would never have children or possibly have a family of my own, but that doesn't excuse me from my responsibilities as a son, as a brother, as someone who should be thankful for being born to a respectable family. I will never say this out loud, but I will have to force myself not to dream big anymore. I've always feared becoming jaded and calloused because I always treasured my so-called innocence and child-like curiosity about the world. That fear has to die. It will not take hold of me again, it will not cripple me like it has for the past 2 unproductive years of my life. I am 25, intelligent, energetic, and willing to learn. I am beautiful inside and out and no one can tell me otherwise. No one. It's high time I put myself out there and show some aggression. My maternal passiveness has to die.

And here I have discovered ... I do not hate my mother because of what she has not been. I hate MYSELF for having followed suit. I am the enemy and I killed myself today. Starting tomorrow, you'll be seeing a different person.