Frivolité

Yesterday I had a sort of quasi-dilemma regarding the path to career kingdom. I was debating whether to take on an office job type of career or a more frivolous yet potentially creative job which I feel would not be boring. Like I told my friend ABS, for me boredom's bad. In a work setting, I'd rather be busy than bored, disappointed than bored, underpaid than bored. To me, boredom is death, yet in French, it has the sweetest sound to it ... ennui. But don't be deceived with boredom! One can be bored even when busy, bored even when disppointed, the kind of boredom that stems from an excruciatingly dull existence. We'll steer clear of this ... for heaven's sake.

I sent an sms to my rational advice giver friend Risso and he told me exactly what I needed to hear. Going for a creative job, or more specifically, going for the career of your passion, is very risky. It may be fun for the first 2 years, but then after, it'll become like any normal office job and the thrill of creativity may wear itself out eventually. I had to agree. It's like this film thing. It takes on the role of a drug. When I first started out conceptualizing the storylines and scenes in my head, it was an inexplicable rush! All those ideas came flooding out. The only thing that held the waters within control were the floodgates of budget. Otherwise, I could've done something in the tradition of Spike Jonze or the Kauffman Brothers with the story. The possibilities were endless. And once again, I felt very much alive.

But we're talking about addictions. Mine wore off gradually and the need for that emotional high begged to be satisfied yet again, so I unintentionally looked for loopholes in the 1st storyline, probably just so I can find a valid reason to create a 2nd one. And when the 2nd high wore off again, I came up with a 3rd. If it weren't for the deadline (and my impending indecisiveness) I could've gone on and on creating new storylines, new problems, new excuses. Up until I submitted the synopsis, I was still thinking of ways to improve the story.

I admit I do have some sort of addictive tendency. Like what ABS told me, it's a subversive type of addiction. Nothing people see from the outside. And I'm good at hiding ... until I start losing it and everything just gushes out like floodwaters of good and bad ideas, positive and negative options, excuses and benevolence. Maybe there's nothing wrong with settling for an office job, Monday to Friday (or Saturday too), 9am-6pm, unpaid overtimes, leave credits, losing holidays.

Maybe it's much better than settling for ennui.