Coincidences

There's something strange in the way this year has been going so far. I don't know if it's the stars or the water, but lately, a lot has happened to my life (and the lives of other people I know too). I got really depressed a fortnight ago. After previously having decided to take the career with the better promise of travel and money, I suddenly had a change of heart and am now more inclined toward taking the dusty road again. I don't know if the snail pace of 3 years that I have to face and the succeeding years after that when I finally get to my promised land, Carpathia, or maybe the immediate environment that I was in where I felt suffocated with the lack of intellectual stimulation. Call me pedantic. Call me arrogant, but that's just the way I felt about my state-of-affairs (of which I'm still in). It's very awkward and disappointing, like knowing you're in a fishbowl with all the other fishes, and at the same time knowing that you belong somewhere else because the fishbowl is too crowded. It's not such a bad thing really. I could learn to swim along with the other fancy fish in the bowl, but I'd rather be in a school within the ocean or in a river. All the opportunities are there. You see, my goal in life is to migrate to another country. That's it. That's my goal. My friend commented a couple of nights ago (the height of all the mania) that for most people, an ultimate goal would mean achieving something or reaching a status that makes one feel proud of one's achievements. Well, that doesn't happen for me. I'm not a freak or anything. I dare say this ideal was typical of people in the Old Testament. They always dreamed of the promised land. Take as another instance the movie Lord of the Rings where Frodo and Gandalf were brought to the gray havens. That's my idea of a goal -- to reach a certain place. I just feel that once I'm put in that place, I'd know exactly what to do next. But while I'm here, there's absolutely no point.

O god....I'm straying off the topic. Right, big changes in 2 weeks....

Besides my depressive state and changing my mind about a previous course of action, I've also realized how lonely I was. (This is too cheezy for me to say but heck, it's the truth). Honestly, "I was alone thinking I was just fine and not looking for anyone to be mine" or as the song goes. But things happen and life is cruel, so when you put the two together, the victims of this tempest are usually those who have successfully dealt with life rationally because coincidence is generally not in their vocabulary. As my friend texted me, "coincidence is just a coincidence until you over-analyze it." I found a lot of sense in that statement. That is the rationalist point of view. My other friend texted me, "There are no accidents. What happens to you is part of a divine plan of some sort" or as how I remember it.

So, which should I believe in?

On one side, I'd love to think that whatever happens to me, good or bad, is part of a divine plan, that in the end, I'd become something other than myself right now and is not an accident or a result of any conscious effort on my part that I be derailed from that path. On the other, everything I do should be calculated because whatever I decide on right now leads me to a new series of paths and choices, good or bad, that I must face head-on or move on avoiding the issue, that whatever signs that go my way must be ignored because these don't mean anything until I overanalyze them, that there's little point to believing in prayer because ultimately, you're the one controlling your life not any other entity.

The question now: should I pick the more convenient theory? or should I be my usual pragmatic self? Furthermore, what should I risk?

(Again, I apologize for being too talkative for my own good.....)

Gist: Besides me, my sister's diagnosed with tiny little cysts near her thyroid (hence I call her cyster), my good friend's been in bad terms with her boyfriend, my close friend's been waiting for his scholarship but can't quite wait without being employed, my best friend's found a place to put up his business after weeks of searching, I've gone to Greenbelt for the first time in months, my mom and uncle are putting up a business beside the house, my friend wants to move out for good, my other friend found a new job after he resigned a few weeks ago, the whole clan (well, almost) reunited last weekend for a smorgasbord feast in the mango orchard, etc. etc. etc. etc.

Of course, these things don't seem coincidental at all. It just happened that the past fortnight has been wrought with events compared to other fortnights. And hark! The Ides of March is at hand! I wonder what lurks around the conspiracy of the universe for me.

I hate Coehlo. He puts bad ideas into good people's minds.