making up my mind

i've actually written a very long discussion on karma, the universe, newton's law on action-reaction, but i just can't make up my mind on how to end it. as a result, i just saved it and maybe post on another day when i indeed have an terminating truth to write about.

if you've read yesterday's post, i was supposed to delete it right after, but i couldn't make up my mind so i kept it instead. i don't really know if anyone's reading the sh*te i write down here, so i couldn't care less.

yesterday wasn't such a bad day, though i've had better days. i guess it was the result of being bored (again) and having so much time to think about my life right now and regret being at my age and still not accomplishing anything at all. it IS very loserly, i have to admit, but i AM doing something about it by going back to school and trying to live my life somewhere else where there's more promise for people like me who don't think like the average person. i'm not necessarily a rebel, but i couldn't help being open-minded about a lot of things.... which brings me to the problem that i live in a place where people are conservative and so I'm influenced to think like them especially since i see them most of the time. i would LOVE to move out and be on my own, but i'm afraid i've missed that the last time i resigned from work. i used to think i'm in the middle of nowhere, stuck on being a bum and choosing another job, or continuing studies and pursue an occupation with a brighter future. i used to think i'm at the crossroads (over and over again for a year), but lately, i realized i've already chosen a path. at the time i started school last semester in November, it was already a sealed deal that i would have to finish the course in 3 years and try my luck abroad. there was no turning back because at my present state, i would not be able to find a job better than the call center work i did before, i may not get the same pay as before as well, and i'm getting older and older to be starting life from square 1 as if nothing happened. i'm getting tired of it all and this is my last chance. all i need to do is to sacrifice my freedom for the next 5 years or so, and when i'm completely earning i can proceed to claiming my long-awaited independence.

again, it all sounds so easy, and maybe inside i'm banking on an empty promise made by my relatives, but then there are no other reasonable alternatives that can offer me the future i desire. NONE. the only help i can get from anyone is genuine support and encouragement, besides tuition fee and *gasp* a meager allowance (not that i'm asking for more, but the mere ASKING for it kills me everytime. it's embarrassing really).

hence the point where i reached my discussion on karmic retribution and the universe (as i was supposed to discuss): if everything DOES balance out in the end, i inexorably wish to have my retribution within this lifetime, if possible within the next 3-5 years because i'm not getting any younger, and there's just too much i want to offer this world that i don't think God would want to waste such talent from a decaying world. As my good friend texted me, "To hope even after the dice has been cast. Tragedy is giving up when there's still hope. I mean, when it's really important I don't think God is cruel not to let us have it." (Spelling modified)

When it's really important ....