The question is WHY NOW?

In a matter of days, classes will be starting again for me. Good, because right at the moment of my being unprepared, I am again smitten with an unfathomable degree of loneliness. I know I'm all to blame because I've never put the effort to search for anything more meaningful besides having a dream to work on. It's not easy to be strong, not easy to be misconstrued as being strong. Sooner or later, the entire structure collapses and flood waters go raging out of control. The sad part is that when the water goes out, there's no way to gather all of it back in.

I have to admit, I'm a stranger to loneliness because all my life, I've always had great friends who've been there whenever I needed some consolation. This house I live in is the converging point of the entire clan, so much so i often find myself without personal space, yet I have to deal with it for the time being because it has been like this for 15 years. In truth, I have always been the one people find solace in, the rational, dogmatic one. However now, it's very different. I still have my friends and they're all very open and willing to help me, but it's just not getting through. I know what I'm looking for, but I refuse to accept that I am looking for it. Not right now, not when everything's f*cked up, not when I'm just starting to put the pieces together and move on.

June 14. My day of salvation ...