Trend of Thought

I have entered into another a-social mood swing but unlike the previous three episodes of my depressive demeanor, this one seems to have evolved differently, semi-permeable like protoplasm.  Notice the term "a-social" and not "anti-social" for in this new case, it is not that I am devoid of interpersonal communicativeness, it's perhaps the lack of communicative depth from those familiar to me.  I do speak to people, mostly the people I live with, and maybe a few times electronically or over social networking platforms.  However, this episode seems to have me become randomly selective with my responses, as if I willingly choose to not reply at times, feeling like a compulsion not to, as if I gave up on the idea of connection because like everything else, I find no purpose nor desire to find purpose.

It is not a heavy emotion and there is no weighing down or heaving of my chest.  There is no spike in the graph; it lingers on and drones my ears like a long flat line.  But I can still smile, I can still laugh, I can still feel sexy or frustrated or exuberant.  A part of me wants to close off totally, and yet the other half mirrors an equivalent and opposite desire to keep hanging on, to keep browsing through news and new posts.  There is no longer that want to comment or to be heard; so this happens as a result, a visitation to an old friend, a past record of my journey that I dare not read anymore.  I want to feel happy for them, and yet I also want to feel sorrow for some, but the expression just doesn't come out.  My fingers tap through the screen, wi-fi on, wi-fi off, location on, location off, home, home, home ... keypad locked.

I think I cannot run from it, this greyness that permeates the sky that fills my thoughts with feelings of peace.  I cannot seem to take a nice picture of it, nice enough to post in this entry.  I cannot even imagine why I would keep checking my portable phone for messages when I know everybody else is busy being online and living their own lives.  Like those friendswho live across the sea, who after exchanging messages with you just stop replying.  Ahh ... perhaps they already got what they wanted.  And they feel peace knowing I am still breathing, I am still checking; I am capable of formulating a plan B and plan C.  So after that brief encounter, like a business meeting, I am expected to pursue these letters and not be so disjuncted or be loserly in isolation.  No, I am too busy cancelling appointments and ruining friendships.

It would be immature of me to blame people because that is something you see on TV and you absolutely hate those persons who don't want to be accountable for their actions, and those contestants who provoke them you call cunts.  I understand that, after all I am slow but not stupid.  And I would like to say that there are problems we are aware of, such as the need to have a haircut or to figure out how to convince those guys you are what they're looking for.  Click, click, click.  Whatever happened to the long curly cords?  Everything is wireless, everything comes in waves.  Maybe I can ride this wave like I did the other three.

How do I convince the person on the other line that my plan will work?  How do I convince them that I am not a mistake?  How do I stop myself from comparing myself to my friends and family, from hurting myself with my own harmful self-image, with my paranoia that the people I care most about think less of me each day that passes?  What reasons can I say to them to avoid seeing them, to avoid being asked how I am, of disappointing them when I reply to "why" instead of "how"?  How do I stop caring about what you had for breakfast, what new thing you acquired, what new service you're hating, or how you're taking on your own demons in stride.  

I don't know if I need help because I should not be needing it.  I was given more than the basics and consider myself luckier than most.  I don't know.  I don't know how to respond to that.